If I ran the zoo


If I am ever elected Emperor of the World, here are a few of the things that I would decree pretty early on:

Unless the 31st falls on a Saturday, Halloween would always be celebrated on the last Friday of October.

If a video streaming service such as Netflix, Hulu or HBO has a movie that is part of a series or franchise, it must also have every movie in that series/franchise available at the same time. So, if Netflix has the original Police Academy available for viewing, they should have every movie in the entire Police Academy series available for viewing. Even Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow.

A similar rule would apply to streaming services that air TV shows: if you have one season of a show, you have to have all seasons of a show available at the same time. And it should go without saying that you have to have every episode of every season available.1

Neck ties would no longer be acceptable attire under any circumstances.

Voicemails would be illegal. It’s 2017, text or email already.2

Once a character in a story legitimately dies, they stay dead. No coming back as a ghost to offer wisdom, help or encouragement. Otherwise, what’s the point of them dying? As much as I love the books and movies, Dumbledore appearing to Harry in the last book/movie is a bit of a cop out.3

On a related note, no more giving super hero powers to other characters. If you’re tired of writing about a specific character, come up with a new one with their own story, their own name and their own powers. Don’t just give another character the same powers and abilities as the original character.4

If you have a commercial that airs on the radio, it can not contain a siren sound effect in any way, shape or form.5

I think I’ve made this point before, but no more Daddy/Daughter dances. Those things are creepy.6

Hot dogs and hot dog buns would have an equal number of items per pack. I don’t care if it’s eight or 10, representatives from Big Hot Dog and Big Hot Dog Bun need to get together and just pick one so we can end this long, national nightmare.

1 – I’m looking at you CBS All-Access. I just want to get caught up on The Big Bang Theory. Why is that so hard to do?

2 – Or probably even later. If I’m elected Emperor of the World, I’m assuming it’s not going to be this year. Although, with the way things are going, you never know…

3 – Spoiler Alert: Dumbledore dies in the Harry Potter series.

4 – Just about every superhero has multiple incarnations: There are at least three different versions of Spiderman. At least four different people have been Batman. I think there have been five or six Thors. And that’s all just off the top of my head.

5 – Was driving down the highway this weekend when a commercial came on that had a siren noise in the background. It was just audible enough that I thought a police car was coming in hot to pull me over.

6 – I have made that point before.

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